What The Actual F**k Are These CRM Terms?

Real talk:

A fancy database for remembering who the hell your customers are and what you talked about. Because your brain can't hold that shit.

Real talk:

Someone who might give you money but probably won't. Most leads are just tyre-kickers who filled out a form and forgot about you five minutes later.

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A human being you've reduced to a row in a spreadsheet. Welcome to business.

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Money that might come in. Emphasis on "might." Don't spend it until it's in your bank account, you optimistic bastard.

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A bunch of columns that make you feel productive. Most deals will die somewhere in the middle and you'll never know why.

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A depressing diagram showing how most people who hear about you will never buy from you. The wide part is your hopes, the narrow part is reality.

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People leaving you. It hurts. High churn means you're either shit at your job or attracting the wrong customers. Sometimes both.

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The depressing maths of how much money you burn to convince someone to give you money. If this number is higher than what they pay you, you're fucked.

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How much a customer is worth before they inevitably leave you for someone cheaper or just disappear. Should be way higher than your CAC or you're running a charity.

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The money you can actually count on. The holy grail. The thing that lets you sleep at night instead of lying awake wondering if anyone will buy your shit next month.

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MRR but bigger so it sounds more impressive on Twitter. VCs love this number. It's just MRR × 12, calm down.

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The brutal truth about how many people actually do what you want them to. Spoiler: it's always lower than you hoped. A 2% conversion rate is considered good. Let that sink in.

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Pestering people who are ignoring you. But here's the thing: most sales happen after 5+ follow-ups, so you need to do it. Just don't be a dick about it.

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Messaging strangers who didn't ask to hear from you. Feels gross, sometimes works, mostly gets ignored. The email equivalent of knocking on doors.

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Someone who might actually reply to your email. Treasure these people. They're rare.

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Sending emails to people who aren't ready to buy yet, hoping they'll remember you when they are. It's a long game and most people give up too early.

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Hand-holding people so they don't immediately regret paying you. Mess this up and they'll churn before you can say "but did you read the documentation?"

Real talk:

Convincing someone who already paid you to pay you more. Easier than finding new customers. This is where the real money is.

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"You bought the thing? Great, here's another thing." Amazon made billions doing this. "Customers who bought this also bought..."

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Not being so shit that people leave. It's 5-7x cheaper to keep a customer than find a new one. Yet most businesses obsess over acquisition and ignore retention. Idiots.

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Putting people in boxes so you can send them different emails. "Enterprise clients" vs "cheapskates on the free plan" is a segment, whether you admit it or not.

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Every time someone encounters your brand. Your website, your emails, your tweets, your support chat. Each one is a chance to impress or disappoint. No pressure.

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How long you have to wait before someone finally pays you. B2B sales cycles can be months. Enterprise can be a year. You'll age visibly.

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A lead that isn't a complete waste of time. Has budget, has need, has authority to buy. Most leads are unqualified, which is why salespeople are always annoyed.

Real talk:

A call where you figure out if this person can actually afford you and isn't a tyre-kicker. Also where they figure out if you're full of shit.

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A document you spend hours on that will either get signed or ghosted. No in-between. The waiting period after sending one is psychological torture.

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They paid. You did it. Pop the champagne. This is the only status that actually matters.

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They said no, went with a competitor, ghosted you, or their budget evaporated. It happens. Learn from it and move on. Or stew in resentment. Your call.

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How often you actually land the sale. 20-30% is typical. If you're closing everything, you're not charging enough. If you're closing nothing, well...

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The paper trail that proves you actually did something. Log your activities or your future self will have no idea what happened with that client six months ago.

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Making your tools talk to each other so you're not copy-pasting shit between 47 browser tabs. Half the integrations don't work properly. Welcome to software.

Real talk:

Cleaning up the mess in your database. Duplicate contacts, outdated info, leads from 2019 you never deleted. Nobody does this until it becomes a crisis.